soon

just six days left until i leave sweden

i never needed you

i never needed you to be strong i never needed you for pointing out my wrongs i never needed pain my love for you was stong enough you should have known i never needed you for judgement i never needed you to question what i did i never asked for help i took care of my self i dont know why you think you got a hold of me i never needed your corrections on everything from how i act to what i say i never needed words i never needed hurt i never needed you to be there everyday im sorry for the way i let go of everything i wanted when you came along and with just a simple conversation i let you know whats on my mind and there isnt anything you can say so look at me and lissen cuz i dont want to stay another minute i dont want you to say a single word there is no other way i get the final say i dont want to do this any longer there is nothing left to say i have alreddy spoken our love is broken

why

is it me ? am i the reason people always leave ? maybe im just destined to be alone ...

special msg mother janam

i want to whisper in your ear words that only you can hear that everything will be okay when day becomes night so take one more step to your next adventure i will be right here by your side the whole time so dont worry i got you

b-day

today is my birthday but i guess no one rememberd cuz i havent got any calls , congratulations or cards . i think this is the first year when everyone has forgott it , its always someone that dont remember this stuff but everyone ? thats just to much . well i guess people have more inportent thinks going on in there lifes so happy b-day to me

today

good morning everyone , today is a slow day . just sitting home watching movies and relaxing . right now i have a face mask (as you all can see) and now im going to make some dinner but i dont know what yet . talk to you later

ullared

we went to the buss at 06.10 to start our trip it was really dark outside and we feelt like we should go back to bed . on top of that i was not feeling so good , i had a terrible pain in my stomach and it feelt like my head was falling of ...
on the buss we feelt a little bit better , we were still tired but no one sleept cuz the nature was just to beautiful to miss . you see ullared is up on a mountain and to get there you have to travel through a wonderful forest so none of us wanted to miss that ... this was the best i bought , one watch , a lacoste perfum and a nail set ...
this day was a success , im really glad , hope i see more days like this

one day left

tomorrow we leave for our little trip to the big shopping center ULLARED !

we leave at 06.10 and we plan to be back around 16.00

lets see if i have thought about everything ¤

a extra batterys for the camera

a comfortable shoes

a first aid kit

a snacks

a asprin

well , looks like everything there :P

planing trip

next week im going to ULLARED ! the best shopping center in the world . im making a list of everything i want to buy and its getting very loooong :P i will take many pictures for you all to see . right now im siting at work but i get of in 10min so talk to you later :P

armani

here is our new cat
his name is armani , yeah just like the brand :P
it took a long time before we got you but now
your here :D

new nails

siting here at work , i have just boked a new aappointment for my nails so tomorrow i will have something new pattern on my nails . thought about having something with halloween cuz its soon to come :P i will show you tomorrow . have to get back to work now . XOXO ;)

im sorry to say that yet again i do not have acces to a computer , so i wont be able to write for some time but i will try to solve it as soon as possible !

how do u know if something is worth fighting for ?

fun day

we went to the circus , it was so fun .
it was one of the better days .

speciel msg mother janam

her dreams keeps her alive

so may she never stop fighting

for thoese special dreams

cuz without them we wouldnt

still be a family . you gave me

back what i lost ...

a picute painted by me

the greatest song ever

its over

when we first met i thought that i never could feel something so strong again , you were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped up into one . but all of a sudden you went and left me and i didnt know how to follow and now my heart is dead . i feel so empty and hollow ... i have never given so much of my to someone els . you dont even recognize the ways you hurt me , do you ? its gonna take me a miracle to bring me back and your the one to blame ! damn aint it crazy when your wrapped up in love you do everything for the one you love . anytime you needed me , i would be there waiting for you . it was like you were my favorite drug , the only problem was that you was using me but now that i know its not meant to be i gotta get away from you ... i guess this its what i get for wishful thinking . should never had let you in of the door . next time you wanna go on and leave i should just let you go on and do it !

just some everyday love

i let the picture speak for it self

friday , not what i thought

well fridays finally here , the day i was waiting for but now when its here i just dont feel so good about it . i started the morrning in a fight with someone and now im sitting at work and feeling worse then ever ... i have been waiting for this day for a hole year , today is festival in my town and finally i have someone to go with but since this mornings fight i doubt that i will be going at all . talk about the worse timing ever ! i guess i will have to change my plans for to night . new plan ; going straight home after work and sink down into the couch , watching movies and feeling sorry about myself . pretty depressing huh ? i hate days like this when i wake up in the morning thinking that this day will be a good one but then somethings happens that makes me feel like i never wanna see this day again . it would bee easyer if i had just known from the beginning that this day would suck like any other day cuz then i wouldnt care since every days like that but now i got my hopes up and then i got my hopes down again and all in within 30minutes ... but the day isnt over yet , maybe something good will happen . one can always hope ...

borring day

today was a really borring day and i dont have anything to say really (theres a shocker) . i got woken up by the phone ringing so that pissed me of but the rest of the day was okay , i didnt really do anything . just staid in my bed with my computer checking around on youtube ... now im going to watch a movie before i go to bed . tomorrow i really have to do something i cant keep stay home in bed , soon my neighbours will start refering to me as the creepy neighbour who never goes out ... i have just learnd how to film with my camera so hopefully in the future i will publish a lot of short movies , i think its more fun with movies then pictures ... well good night .

tired day

a slow day today , still thinking about

yesterday (big smile) . as a matter of

fact i have just woken up and now im just

sitting here watching the hills but i have

to get something done today so im going

to wash my clothes and maybe clean the

kitchen if im up for it . im updating later .

a day to remember

just beeing silly and having fun ,
to bad i didnt record when we where
having a water fight but i can tell you all
that i won ! i laughed so hard i
almost peed my pants !

today was a slow day , just sitting home watching movies and baking cookies but now im going to sleep cuz i have to go up early ... so much to do , including a barbecue . so hopping for a good day to tomorrow fingers crossed .

hush

every day you wake up in your million dollar home , the only reality you know . you are driving out on the streets in your thousands dollars car , driving past people living hard . you complain about the gas prices but you still supports the war , you get disturb on the taxes to feed the poor . you dont understand the homeless , dosnt think its still a problem that millions die from hunger so you say hush to make it better . you think that the world is just a joke but little do you know that there is a real life trauma happening right outside our door cuz you just continue to ignore . you keep searching through the channels , skipping past the new . your more entertaind by life in gossip cuz it hurts to see the truth and you dont even bother to vote cuz you say its a wast of time . in my mind im thinking ohhh everybody wants to tuch the sky but nobody wants to reach out for thoese who are scared to fly . everybody wants to go to heaven but if you dont want to sacrifice then dont say nothing at all !

circle

as i sit on the grownd trying to figure out why im crying to night i feel a coldness walking from my back , moving further up my neck ... i have shared so many tears its a miracle that they keep falling down my cheeks every single night . im standing in the middle of an circle with nothing but darkness around me . the hair on my arms are standing right up now and i can feel the blood moving around in my body . i get up and look around me , no one there . my heart is beating faster , i move around in the circle , trying to find a way out but i cant see anything . there is no exit . where has all the lights gone ? everywhere i turn all i see is black , confused i fall down on my knees while im puting my hands infront of my face , then i freeze ! i cant move ! i sit on the grownd in a freezing position , just staring on my hands . i cant see them , i look ay myself and i realize that i cant even see myself ... what happend ? where am i ? how did i get here ? there are so many thoughts running around in my head and then it hits me , i remember everything . i know why im crying and i know what this circle is . i know why there arent any exits . this circle is my unhappiness , my lonliness and my sadness . this circle is my prison , im chained to this circle with big and strong chains , i will never get out of here . this is my tears and my pain , with other words this is my life ...

im sorry to say that i will not be able to blog for a indefinitely time sence i dont have access to a computer right now so for all you readers please have patience and i will try to solve the problem as quickly as possible .

cant let go

i keep telling myself that im happy when really im not . the truth is i miss you , i dont understand why you are gone ... i think about you every single day and your the reason keeping me
up at night ... this wasnt the plan you know , it was never going to end this way . i had just got back on my feet and had finally everything figure out but one thing i didnt know was that just around the coner waited a tragedy so terrible that i couldnt even imagine in my worst nightmare . it kicked me all the way down again but this time i wasnt at the bottom , i was ten times lower down ... it was and it still is really hard for me to get up in the morrning , i think thats the reason why i have stoped going to bed . i have so many feelings these days that its getting hard for me to gather them and pick out one and try to focus on that one , they all just kinda floats around in my head ... im a mess and it starts to show , i cant do anything anymore . i got your last words on my mind , if only you where here with me then i could tell you everything but your not ... every choice i make is a new mistake , every turn i make and every step take to run away from your memory seems impossible for me . it doesnt matter where ever i go everything i see is you , i dont know how to get by . you are everything i need . i try to runaway from it but i just cant let go ... i wish you where here with me right now , i wish you would make my pain go away . i wish we could trade places . its funny beacuse before i didnt have anything to say but now that your gone i have so manny things to tell you , things i should have said when i had the chance . do you remember all the things we did together ? im tripping on how much i really miss you . if it wasnt for the will that god had made , i would turn back the hands of time and take your place . i cant belive my ears in what everybody is saying , its easy for them to say just move on but they dont know the half of it . im dying every second that your gone . im not okay im a mess and the truth is i miss you dad ...

why is it that its so hard to tell the truth

but yet so easy to tell a lie ?

and then there are days like this

some things never change , like the smile thats

within you and is desperate to come out ...

so many things has happend in my life and i

think that everyone will agree with me when i say

that luck just aint something my family has .

seems like everything that possible can go wrong

will go wrong . we always sink down to the bottom

and when we think that we cant get any lower we

sink even futher down . its hard to struggle every

single day and never get a break . somtimes we

forgett why we even bother to care sence its going

to start all over again tomorow but then there

are days like today when everything seems to fall

in to the right places . all thoese days , months and

years we have spend at the bottom of the ocean and

all thoese tears that has fallen from our eyes are

forgotten but just for today ...

my family arent big , we are not perfect either

and dont ever have any luck , despite all that i

would never exchange them for anything in the hole

world cuz there is one thing that we will always have

and thats love . we have love for each other and

because of that love we have a reason to fight back

every single problem that we face , thats why we

bother to care . we care because when a day like this

comes along it makes everything ells disappear ...

like i said some things never change like that smile

you know you have , its just hiden somewhere inside

you and when you let that out you know that all thoese

sleepless night and all thoese tears are really worth it

cuz in the end that smile sets its mark and that mark

is like a scar you will have it for the rest of you life and

always remember that day when you had

a smile on your face ...

no love

nights full of fears and my eyes full of tears and its all cuz i have been hearing the same lies for so long now . i cant get a break no matter how hard i try and i lost my real love so i took the closest thing i could find , but he was far away from perfect . he said that he would always be around but its diffrent now . im stressing out cuz i cant figure it out .. he swept me of my feet . when i meet him it was love at first sight , he didnt even curse , he said that he was the church type . he was almost mr right until our first fight , then i found out that he was worse then my last one cuz he hit me in the face so hard that it hurt to bite . and now im uncertain of this person i loved but i keep making excuses for him beeing abusive cuz i want it to work this time so i convince my mind that its fine but in time i will find that real love aint defined with violence and if im crying every night just cuz some guy decided that its okay to hit me then its time that i learn from my misstakes . i need to stop denpending on my man for love and start depending on my man above . cuz i am an angel ..

a good day

all days arent bad , i have learnd that

some days are just wonderful ..

so i guess i was right when i said that

i hope my god memories will

outlive all the bad ones ..

today was a god day , only 364 days left ,

then i can say i have had one good year in this life ..

i hope my good memories

will outlive all the bad ones

long nights

as the night slowly moves in over the city and the people are long in to there sleep there is one girl unable to sleep , she sits alone in the closet . nobody knows the dark secret shes carring . her head is rapt up in lies and her heart is broken in a million pices just like broken glas . she is carring a burden thats to big for her shoulders to carry . she is far away from perfect , and its about to get worse as her secret is close to reveal it self . so she sits in the closet when everyone is asleep to figure out the answer of her darkest secret thats yet to come , and she knows its only a matter of time until everyone knows ... her eyes are closed , her lips are moving . slowly she wispers out to the quiet night : hell is going to break loose ... all her loved and close ones are in there deepest sleep , not knowing what the girl in the closet is hiding . a tear moves down her cheek as she is thinks about the people that she is going to hurt , all these hearts she is going to break ... its a hard thing keeping a secret like that . its hard to live in the shadow of a secret ... she has stoped going to bed , its the only thing keeping her save cuz if she closes her eyes the chances of opening them in the morning are one in a million . besides how could she ever go to sleep at night with that pain in her body and waken up knowing that today might be the day everyone will know ... as the morning comes along and people are starting to wake up there is one girl sitting in a closet . she is prepering her self for the following day , she gets her act together . she gets up on her feet and puts her hand on the handel but before she opens the door and face the eyes of her loved ones she closes her eyes and yet again her lips are moving but this time she only wispers two words : forgive me ...

wish i had the power to

take the pain away

mother janam

special message to my mom ;
people may not remember
exactly what you said or did ,
but they will alwalys remember
how you made them feel ..
you make me feel complete .
you are my heart forever
just like a tatto
i'll always have you ..

apologize

im holding on the rope

thats got me ten feet of

the ground and im hearing

what you say but i cant

make a sound . you tell me that you need me , then you go and cut me down , you tell me that ur sorry , you didnt think i would turn around and say that its to late to apologize .. i take another fall , take a shoot for you . i need you like a heart needs a beat . i loved with fire and all you said was sorry like the angel heven let me think was you but its to late to apologize .. im holding on the rope thats got me ten feet of the ground .. and gently i let go ..

who is that boy ?

i saw him standing in the crowd
and suddenly i was blinded
and even though everything was moving
my hole world came to stop
now i need to know please i need to know
angel eyes of mine where have you gone
were you really here or was it just a dream ?
in a sea of smiling faces someone special caught my eyes and now i need to know who is that boy in the black jacket , with deep brown eyes and the magic smile .. has anybody seen him ?
who is that boy ? tell me his name , does he feel the same ? this is no ordinary crush , if i have to i'll go halfway around the world
just to know his name . now i need to know please i need to know
who is that boy ?

keep your head up high
gorgeous cuz they
would kill to see you fall

just u and me

laught now , cry later ..

special msg

special message to all you bloggers
beeing reast by a single mom ,
give her a break shes doing the best she can !

how comes

how comes when im

looking for a man im

blind to his flaws but

when im looking at my

self flaws is all i see

if this walls could talk

if this walls could talk , u would know my body is ded

my mind has been taken over , thats why im so scared

i cant control it , anger is making me blind

i have been left here on my own , chained to a prison of some kind

ohh if this walls could talk ..

if this walls could talk , u would know about my fear

about all this nights i screamd for help , about all my fallen tears

u would know about the demons hunting me at night

u would be able to help me , keep my fire alive

if this walls could talk ..

if this walls could talk they would say that its alright

god sends me angels to look over me at night

they would encourage me

say that im not alone , he watches me from above

and gives me all of his love

if only this walls would talk ..

the fire in my eyes

you see the fire in my eyes
you think i burn for life ,
but you dont know my fire
burns for death .
a death thats soon to come .
i know its close i can feel it .
when the wind passes by and
my body shudder with fear i can feel it .
fear of not knowing whats get to come .
but as the fire in my eyes continue to burn
all i can do is just wait , wait for whats yet to come .

when i ...

when i think , breath , eat and sleep the imprint of your love

engulfs me . when i cry , mourn , complain and worry the

image of your smile heals me . when i fail , error and lose

the tuch of your kiss strengthens me . when i see , feel , hope

and disire the memorie of you drives me .

when i need thirst and hunger the fuel of your love feeds me .

when i smile , laught and sing your love is the reason .

i wished it could stay like this forever but i know thats not true ,

beacuse soon or later i have to open my eyes and meet reality ...

you dont know me

you see me every day
you talk to me every day
but you dont know me
you think you know
everything about me
you think i tell you everything
but you dont know
what goes on in my head
you think im happy
but you dont know
inside im screaming
so dont for a second think
that you know me
because no one really knows me
im a question mark
for everyone

tears of blood

as my tears turn to blood
and my world never existed

i go to a place of silence

where no one can help me

only the gifts of almighty

can bring me back

who really care what i become

as the sun rises and sets

the pain in my chest becomes a virus

a virus that cant be stoped

and leads me to a slowly and painful death

so as my tears turn to blood

i close my eyes and say one last pray

and before anyone knows im gone just like that

loneliness

i live in this world where i have to see people every day ,

i see them on my way to school , in school and after school .

i see people on my way to work , at work and after work .

and when i get home i see people . im surrounded by people

every where i go and yet i feel soo alone . and thats the hardest

part because we all wanna be alone sometimes , we all go too our room and close the door at some point . but what happends if

you cant choose that ? what happends if your alone againt your

will ? thats me , im surrounded by people every where i go but in

my heart im all alone . i didnt choose that , it just happend .

destiny ? i dont know , but what i do know is that i dont wanna be

alone any more and i dont wanna feel like this . im a prisoner

thats been keept in a dark prison cell of loneliness , dying to

break free ...

this life is moving to fast

feels like this life is moving to fast and im just
standing still , i can feel the wind pass by and
so my hole life passes by with the wind , and just
like that everything is gone . everything that i have ever struggle for is gone and there is nothing i can do about is . beacuse its already too late and left is just a spark of what used to me .
last year i lost my way , this year i lost my self .